What is "The Swinger Lifestyle"? -
What is a Swinger?
A Swinger is someone who takes part in "Ethical Non-Monogamy". That means they have sex with more than one partner. The "stereotypical" Swinger is a married Man and Woman looking for another married Man and Woman. But The Lifestyle is all encompassing. We invite anyone into our group. Gays, Lesbians, Couples, Gay Couples, and Single Females. Most Swinger Communities allow Single Men.
Why do we keep talking about "The Lifestyle"?
The Lifestyle is an evolutionary term for Swingers but are focused on the people and not just the sex. Very Sex Positive.
Is Swinging cheating?
According to dictionary.com a cheater is a person who acts dishonestly, deceives, or defrauds.
Real swingers are not guilty of this in any way because we bring our partners with us when we swing.
Let us now look at swinging. Swinging is done with your partner. The couple enters the lifestyle and chooses to seek out a sexual relationship with another couple or a single swinger. It doesn't really matter why the couple has decided to do this, but rather the fact that it is done in plain view of each other. There are no secrets or deceptions here. If you watch a couple playing with another couple, you will usually see the spouses interacting with each other while they are playing with someone else. A hand on their shoulder, a kiss, a helpful hand down there, whatever it is, you will see that this is something they are doing together. That is very different from sneaking into a hotel room while your spouse is at work or with the kids to have sex with someone else. Even when swingers decide to play separately, they do it with permission from their partner.
What kind of people are in The Lifestyle? Is it just a bunch of weirdos?
If your here, your a weirdo too. LOL. No, very few here are considered a weirdo. At Lifestyle events, I have met law enforcement, politicians, over religious, atheists, good people, bad people, family people, career people, and more than you can think of. The Lifestyle accepts everyone. We don't judge anyone here. A "Golden Rule" we have when talking to people is "Stay away from the resume". When talking about yourself, don't tell people where you live, what you do for a job, where you grew up. Unless you want to. If you are talking with someone, guess what; stay away from the resume.
Can you be Bi or Gay in the Lifestyle?
Of course! BUT, openly gay is still not accepted in certain circles. It's a work in progress. We don't allow that kind of talk. If we hear it, they will be asked to leave our event. The typical "situation" is a married man and woman searching for another married man and woman. But anything between that and beyond that is awesome!
What kinks are allowed?
All of them! We encourage you to explore all your kinks. We have people that are into
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Hotwife
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Daddy / Mommy
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Little
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BDSM
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Master / Slave
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Dom / Sub
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Cuckold
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Bull
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Pegging
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Fisting
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Foot Worship
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Leatherman / Women
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More kinks and fetishes!
Should you Swing?
We can't answer that
We would love to say "YES! We want to see you naked!" But, it's up to both of you. Can your relationship handle the stress of the Lifestyle. If your relationship has any "holes", they will be exposed. Many of our friends say that since they have been in The Lifestyle, their relationship communication has increased.
Is this right for you
Are you thinking about swinging to try and fix your relationship? If you answered yes, then it’s not right for you. Are you doing it to explore your sexuality as a couple/single? If yes, then this is the place for you. Swinging is a activity meant to bring you closer to your spouse/SO, It’s not meant to be something you do to repair holes in your relationship. It is also not meant to be something you do alone, while not telling your SO. Swinging is for those who are in an honest relationship, and both partners want to explore. It may also not be something you should do if you and/or your SO has a lot of jealousy or insecurities about your relationship.
What do you want to get out of Swinging
For a lot of people they are looking to try new things, or to explore fantasies together in a safe environment. Some may have only ever had their SO for a partner, and want to experience more. Some just realize that for whatever reason they don’t want to be with just one person sexually for the rest of their lives. Whatever your personal reasons are, it’s very important to talk with each other, a lot!! Communication is lubrication!! When you think you have talked enough, talk some more. Always remember that at the end of the night you are going home with your SO. So be sure to debrief and talk about each encounter you have. You may even find that swinging actually brings you closer together, and that lines of communication have never been more open. The sex you have with your SO is also quite likely to get even hotter.
Religion
For a lot of people the act of swinging can bring up feelings of shame. Sometimes it’s from their sense of morality and sometimes it’s from their belief system. For me I was raised Christian, and still practice to this day. So that begs the question can you be religious and still swing? The answers and the reason behind them will likely look different for everyone. I don’t personally see it as cheating or adultery because my SO and are both on the same page. The answer for everyone is different. My stance on the subject is purely my own, and should not be taken as the standard for others. It is up to each individual to decide how they feel and wish to proceed.
Age. Are you to young or too old?
On the subject of age, let’s just dive right in and be honest. There are certainly a lot of mainstream activities where a person’s age is one of the deciding factors for whether or not it is deemed appropriate for them to participate. I am happy to say that the Lifestyle in NOT one of them. Swingers come in all ages. We have seen people of all ages, races, and walks of life in the Lifestyle. It is one of the few activities where something exists for everyone. We want to warn people though. At what age do most families start having kids? How long until those kids are old enough that the parents get to go out and have a nighlife again? Remember, The Lifestyle is not just all old people. It's just they have done their time raising thier kids.
Websites
There a lot of websites that you can go to to find other swingers. Some of our friends run some local ones. Some of the benefits of a searching on a website are being able to chat and exchange pictures before you meet. You can get a better idea if you and the other couple might click if you talk and discuss before meeting in person. Some of the downsides are people not being who they say they are. Or wanting to talk via endless emails only to end up flaking and not meeting up. Another pro to websites is you can maintain your privacy and only disclose as much as you want. Another con to it, is that some of the websites you may visit have a hefty fee for using it, and you have to pay to see pictures, or send emails ect…
Craigslist - Well not anymore. We just haven't found a replacement yet.
Aahh the old stand by, Craigslist. A lot of people use it and probably just as many avoid it. It has a lot of the same pitfalls as websites. Like not being sure of who you are meeting. The pics they posted are from 4 years ago, all the flakes on Craigslist, ect…. But there are some pros to it. A lot of people are on it. If meeting up right away is your thing, they are usually looking for the same.
At a Swingers Bar / Club
If you are meeting up at a place that is specifically for swingers, you don't have to worry about the chance of propositioning the wrong kind of person. If you are at a club that is on premise (Sexual activities are welcomed at the facility) then you have the chance to meet and play with a couple that night.
At a Vanilla Bar / Club
This one can be a bit tricky, you may end up walking up to someone who you like and ask them if they want to get together, only to have them get offended. It can be difficult to find swingers in a vanilla environment. But it’s not impossible.
Physical cues
Some swingers wear a black ring on their right ring finger to signify that they are in The Lifestyle. Other’s will ask or answer yes when asked if they are “Friends of Ellis”? The bottom line here and for all other situations is be respectful and careful in your words and actions.
Environments
Swing Dates
A date between you and another couple.
Usually you meet the other couple online. Craigslist, Swingers Site, etc… You message back and forth, then decide to meet up and see if you click, or their profile pic is up to date…
Meet and Greets
Speed Dating for Swingers! Typically held in a public place. Sometimes held at regular intervals, or every once an a while.
House Parties
A group of friends getting together for a night of fun.
Clubs
For profit. They have big, upscale facilities that offer showers, DJ’s, dance floors, alcohol, and many other things.
Swing Dates and Meet and Greets tend to be really nice for those who are newer to The Lifestyle because they are a no pressure situation and focus on “Getting to know each other” Generally, no opportunity / ability to play
House Parties tend to be very “Clique”. It’s usually a group of friends inviting their group of friends.
Clubs are focused on making a profit.
Hotel Takeovers
If you have not been to a hotel takeover yet. You need to find a way to get yourself there.
Anywhere you go, get ready to blow off the dust on your “Dating Game”
Types of Swingers
Ethical Non-monogamy
This is a phrase coined by Holli and Michael of Swing Time. This is what Modern Swingers are all about. The ability to have sex with people outside their marriage / relationship. Only feelings
Weekend Swingers
These are the Swingers that attend events once in a while. Maybe they just attend a Halloween party once a year.
Polyamourus
The philosophy of state of being in love or romantically involved with more than one person at the same time.
Kink / BDSM
These are the sub-categories of Swingers. Although technically, they are a parallel Lifestyle. But, becuase a lot of people are in both groups at the same time, i will call them sub categories for our newbies.
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Hotwife
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Daddy / Mommy
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Little
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BDSM
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Master / Slave
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Dom / Sub
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Cuckold
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Bull
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Pegging
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Fisting
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Foot Worship
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Leatherman / Women
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More kinks and fetishes!
Looky Loos
These are the people who are not really Swingers. They just get off on the atmosphere or are WAY to nervous to admit they want to partake in the action. So, they just want to be in the corner and watch everyone else.
Lifestyle Fluid
People who are comfortable with the lifestyle but rarely, if ever, participate.
Friends with Benefits (FWB)
These are the couples that you want more than a one night stand from. You connect with them more than just at that party. You start hanging out with them outside of Lifestyle events.
Nudist
Wait, are Nudists Swingers? Not all of them. Most nudist facilities ask for a separation between Swingers and Nudist. It is our opinion that because Nudism is a Lifestyle that includes families and children. Whereas Swingers focus on sex. Many Swingers enjoy being naked. Just remember if you are in a Nudist environment, respect them.
Lingo
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“Bi” (Bisexual) - Play’s with the other sex too. Others are bi-curious, bi-comfortable & bi-situational.
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Voyeur - Likes to watch.
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Exhibitionist - Likes to be watched.
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Unicorn - A single woman.
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Unicock - A single man.
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On Premise - Have sex at the event.
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Off Premise - No sex at the event.
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Vanilla - Non Swingers.
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Softswap - No vaginal penetration.
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Fullswap - Vaginal penetration.
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Same Room - TWO MEANINGS
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Same room same partners.
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Same room swap partners.
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Separate Room - Swap partners and find different rooms.
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Monogamous - Love and Sex with only one person. NON SWINGERS or Vanilla.
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Polyamorous - Love and sex with more than one person.
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Open Relationship - Open to any kind of relationship at any time.
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Hall Pass - One time pass to do something. (Usually sex without the partner)
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Cheating - Swinging is not cheating.
It's not cheating if you both have permission.
You are here with your spouse, you both have talked about this AND AGREED! To come and explore it together
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Orgy - A group play scenario where everyone is touching and interacting together regardless of who is connected to whom.
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MFM - Male/Female/Male sexual encounter
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FMF - Female/Male/Female sexual encounter
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Meet and Greet (M&G) - This is mostly an event to meet other swingers and socialize with them. Often includes dancing. Can be at a public venue, or can be an exclusive event. Usually sexual activity is not condoned.
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HWP - Height/Weight Proportional. These people may not have “perfect” bodies (if there is such a thing), but are in the average weight range for their height. People often refer to this in their profiles on swing dating sites or a club owner may say that those attending must be HWP.
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Friends With Benefits (FWB) - Not just a “sex only” transaction, but an ongoing relationship.
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DDF - Drug and disease free
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Lifestlye Fluid - People who are comfortable with The Lifestyle but rarely, if ever, participate.
Lifestyle Rules
No means No!
Use protection
Only go as fast as the slowest person
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Respect the limits of who you are playing with
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Don't push anyone else's limits. It's disrespectful
Tell the truth
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Don't lie about your age, what you like, or what you want to do
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Even if you are not interested in someone. A simple "No thank you" is best in answering verbal or DM (Digital Messaging)
Maintain everyones privacy.
Even the people you don't know, or can't see. Tell the "What" not the "Who" If you take a picture, make sure no one is in the background, or get their permission 1st.
Don't bring drama to a Lifestyle event
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Did you just have an argument? ~ Stay home!
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Are you two not exactly on the same page about tonight? ~ Stay home!
Don't be fake
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Not to people you meet
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Not to your partner
Like anything, there are rules you have to play by. It’s a lot easier to play baseball when you know which direction to face when standing at the plate. You gotta set yourself up so you can hit a home run.
Always ask first!
First things first, Always ask first! Ask before you touch, play, etc…
Health and Hygiene
Oral hygiene is a basic necessity for everyone. Bad breath or body odor is a big turn-off for your potential partners. Shower and groom well before you leave for the party. Good cologne, perfumes or body sprays will give you the edge in the environment. The best way to enjoy the party is by freshening up once you reach there.
You two need to be social
Many people go to swingers clubs and complain -- much as they probably did in high school -- that everybody there is “too cliquish.” But there are no Regina Georges in the swingers world (mean girls movie reference), and nobody is going to sneer at you and say, “You can’t swing with us.” Yes, swingers gravitate towards their friends -- like everybody else -- but go up and say hello, and you’ll be surprised how fast people will welcome you.
Don’t overdo the alcohol
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You know what’s a miserable feeling? Spending all week fantasizing about a threesome, getting to the point where it’ll actually happen, and then realizing you drank too much to do anything about it. Sure, you might need a drink or two to get used to the idea of swinging, but past that not only do you risk whiskey dick, you risk BEING a dick. And, much like in real life, nobody wants to have sex with an inebriated mess.
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Limit your drinking, It’s science. If you are nervous, you are going to drink whatever is in your hand more often than if you were not nervous. Drink plenty of water, etc… you know how to stay sober. If you don’t, be with somebody who does. You don’t want to bring the party to a halt because you drank too much and it’s taking 10 guys standing around you trying to convince you to relax. It happens a lot, you drink too much and hope you didn’t make a fool of yourself the next day. Or worse….
Set realistic expectations
Even if you and your partner agree to be down for “full swap,” don’t go into a swingers club with the unrealistic expectations of a pledge at his first frat party. Nobody’s guaranteeing an orgy, and sometimes you may go and not find any couples you like. Also, the action may not start until much later in the evening, so don’t get bored and leave because nobody’s getting it on by midnight.
You need to debrief
Kinda like those quarterly conference calls at the office where your entire team looks at what it's accomplished, what worked, and what didn’t, do the same with your partner after EVERY time you swing; the conversation will allow you to discuss the experience and figure out if boundaries or rules need to be changed or added, or if there are different things you’d both like to try next time.
Communication is Lubrication
Like everything in a relationship, swinging won’t work if you don’t communicate. And talking about what you did after the fact is the most important part in making the next experience just as mind blowing.
Each venue and event may have different rules
Pay attention to the rules of the facility. A club will have different rules than your friends house.
No cell phones
Bring a pen and paper to get phone numbers, facebook, discord, or kik. People think you are taking video or pictures if you have a cell phone out
No drugs
Legal or illegal
No prostitution
No Fighting
No Weapons
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Do you carry a pocket knife where ever you go? Don't carry it here.
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We attended a meet and greet one time and some guy said something to a lady and it offended her boyfriend who in turn, said he was going out to the car to get his gun. Holy Schnikes! That’s a terrible situation to be in, don’t let it happen.
Like anything, there are rules you have to play by. It’s a lot easier to play baseball when you know which direction to face when standing at the plate. You gotta set yourself up so you can hit a home run.
First things first, Always ask first! Ask before you touch, play, etc…
Ideas to stay safe
Set realistic expectations
Fact: Never trust anyone who spells Gonorria right on the first try.
STD’s are in the world. We play a dangerous game here. Stay protected.
Are You Clean?
Great Rule of Thumb. Get tested yearly, or more depending on how often you play. “I have a piece of paper from my doctor saying they only thing I’m giving you is a good time.” Be honest. If you have, or had, something, disclose it to your potential partners.
Are They Clean?
Before you play with a couple ask them if anyone in their network has anything of concern. Don’t wait till after.
Use Condoms
You don't need to explain why you have another kid, You don't need to explain why you didn't use a condom. Most clubs provide them but they are the basic cheap stuff. Get the good stuff, get the brand you like. Many women are sensitive to Latex. Ask before you play. Maybe she has a condom for you.
Use Trust Dams.
Used to be called dental dams but there are companies out there that are redesigning them specifically for oral play. Or back door play.
Use Gloves
It’s OK to play a sexy nurse and doctor the first few times with a new couple. Or every time with a couple.