RULES & COMMUNITY STANDARDS
Freedom works when we communicate.
Swinging is social. It can be spontaneous, playful, imperfect and wonderfully unscripted. We are not interested in turning human connection into paperwork.
We are interested in making communication normal.
Speak. Listen. Pay attention. Before, during and after.
These standards apply throughout the FoE community and at FoE events unless a specific event or venue establishes an additional requirement.
Participation in Friends of Ellis is a privilege, not an entitlement.
BEFORE: Communicate. Talk about what matters to you, what sounds fun, what is off limits, protection, marks, roughness, relationship boundaries, and anything else your playmates should know.
DURING: Stay present. Consent does not stop because play started. Listen to words. Pay attention to bodies. Notice changes. If something feels different, check in.
AFTER: Speak up. Sometimes you do not realize something bothered you until later. Talk to the people involved when appropriate, and tell FoE when there is something we should know.
Your responsibility to communicate does not eliminate another person's responsibility to listen, notice and check in. Their responsibility to pay attention does not eliminate yours to speak up when you can.
Everyone gets a voice. Everyone gets boundaries. Everyone has responsibility.
Experienced swingers learn countless unwritten rules: how to approach, how to read a room, how to accept rejection, when to check in, how to correct a mistake, and how not to become the person everyone avoids.
We would rather say those things out loud.
These rules are not here to kill the fun. They are here so people can relax enough to actually have it.
THESE RULES ARE NOT ALL-INCLUSIVE.
Not every awkward interaction is misconduct. Not every mistake requires punishment. Receiving a complaint does not automatically mean someone did something wrong.
Friends of Ellis cannot anticipate every situation, behavior or safety concern. Conduct does not have to appear word-for-word on this page before FoE can address it.
When concerns arise, FoE may consider the available information, circumstances, severity, pattern, intent, impact and how someone responded when corrected.
FoE reserves the right to deny or discontinue participation when behavior or circumstances are reasonably determined to be incompatible with the safety, operation, trust or culture of the community.
CONSENT & BOUNDARIES
A1ASK BEFORE YOU TOUCH.
Being at a swinger event is not consent to being touched. Ask before initiating sexual or intimate contact.
This includes kissing, grabbing, spanking, intimate touching, removing clothing, using toys and similar contact. Swinging can be spontaneous. Sexual access should never be assumed.
A2TALK BEFORE YOU PLAY.
You do not need a contract or a twenty-minute negotiation before having fun. You do need enough communication to understand the people you are playing with.
Before play, talk about the things that matter: what sounds fun, what is off limits, condoms or other barriers, marks, pain or roughness, relationship agreements, and anything else another person needs to know.
Keep the spontaneity. Remove the assumptions.
A3A BOUNDARY DOES NOT EXPIRE WHEN PLAY STARTS.
If someone says condoms only, no marks, no pain, no anal, no choking, no penetration, or establishes another limit, that limit remains in place until that person clearly changes it.
Excitement, alcohol, escalation, or moving to a different activity does not erase a boundary that was already established.
A4PROTECTION CAN BE A CONDITION OF CONSENT.
If someone agrees to sexual activity on the condition that a condom or other barrier is used, changing or removing that protection requires a new agreement before sexual activity continues.
Do not assume the condition changed because the encounter became more intense or because nobody repeated it.
A5CONSENT TO ONE THING IS NOT CONSENT TO EVERYTHING.
Agreeing to one kind of contact does not automatically mean agreement to the next. Agreeing to play with one person does not automatically include their partner.
As things progress, stay connected to the people involved. When something meaningfully changes, make sure everybody is still on the same page.
A6PAST CONSENT IS NOT CURRENT CONSENT.
Someone kissing you, playing with you, or having sex with you before does not automatically give you permission today. Relationships, boundaries, moods and circumstances change.
Previous access to someone's body is not continuing permission to their body.
A7CONSENT CONTINUES DURING PLAY.
Getting a yes at the beginning does not mean you stop paying attention afterward.
Stay aware of words, body language, participation and changes in energy. Someone becoming tense, freezing, pulling away, going unusually quiet, repeatedly redirecting you, stopping their participation, or simply seeming different can be a reason to check in.
You do not need proof that something is wrong before asking, “You good?”
A8SPEAK UP FOR YOURSELF. SPEAK UP FOR EACH OTHER.
We want adults to communicate their wants, limits and concerns clearly. We also expect everyone involved to listen and pay attention.
If you are a spouse, partner, participant or observer and notice something that others may have missed, you are allowed to say something. A partner may recognize a subtle reaction that a new playmate would never understand.
Pausing to check in is not ruining the moment. It is taking care of the people in it.
A9NO MEANS NO. SO DOES STOP.
A person may decline, slow down, change their mind or withdraw consent at any time.
Do not argue. Do not negotiate their no. Do not demand an explanation. Do not keep testing the same boundary five minutes later.
Respect the answer and move on.
A10DON'T MAKE SOMEONE FIGHT FOR THEIR NO.
People should communicate clearly, but consent is not a contest to see whether someone can resist you strongly enough.
If someone hesitates, pulls away, redirects you, stops reciprocating, appears uncomfortable, or their participation changes, pay attention and check in. “They never said no” is not an excuse to ignore what was happening in front of you.
A11REJECTION IS PART OF SWINGING. HANDLE IT WELL.
Nobody owes you attraction, attention or play. A respectful invitation is normal. Repeated pursuit after a decline is not.
Do not punish someone for saying no by becoming hostile, insulting them, guilt-tripping them, withdrawing friendliness to make a point, creating drama, following them around, cornering them, trying to wear them down, or asking their partner to change their answer.
How you respond to a no helps determine whether people feel safe giving one.
A12IF YOU CROSS A LINE, HOW YOU RESPOND MATTERS.
Human beings make mistakes. Bodies move. Signals get missed. Something can hurt unexpectedly. A misunderstanding that stops immediately when corrected is different from deliberately ignoring a boundary.
If someone tells you to stop, says something hurt, tells you they are uncomfortable, or corrects what you are doing: stop first. Listen. Check in. Adjust.
Do not make the situation worse by arguing, minimizing, laughing it off, blaming alcohol, or telling the person they are overreacting.
A13DO NOT LEAVE MARKS WITHOUT EXPLICIT CONSENT.
Bruises, hickeys, scratches, bites, impact marks, wax marks, writing on skin, or any other intentional mark that may remain after the interaction require specific consent.
Consent to sex, kink, rough play, spanking, biting or another activity does not automatically include consent to leave visible or lasting marks.
A14YOUR PARTNER CANNOT CONSENT FOR YOU.
FoE respects relationship agreements, permissions and boundaries between partners. Those agreements do not replace the consent of the person whose body is involved.
A spouse or partner may tell someone what their relationship allows. They cannot give another person sexual access to you on your behalf. Likewise, one person's consent does not automatically include their partner.
A15KINK REQUIRES CONSENT TOO.
A kink-friendly environment is not permission to treat another person as part of your scene. Do not assume you may initiate a kink dynamic or activity without consent.
A16YOUR DYNAMIC BELONGS TO THE PEOPLE WHO AGREED TO IT.
We all bring different relationship styles, sexual habits, roles, expectations and experiences into FoE. What works between you and your regular partners does not automatically apply to anyone else.
If you have a particular protocol, power dynamic, permission structure, signal, role or expectation that another person needs to understand, communicate it. Do not expect someone who has not agreed to your dynamic to behave according to it, and do not punish, shame, shun or treat them poorly because they do not.
The same principle applies outside kink. Your usual way of swinging, playing, flirting, communicating or structuring your relationship is not automatically someone else's normal.
Meet the people in front of you where they are. Do not require them to play by rules they never agreed to.
RESPECTFUL CONDUCT
B1TREAT PEOPLE LIKE PEOPLE.
Every guest and FoE Admin deserves basic dignity. Harassment, intimidation, bullying, threatening behavior and deliberately degrading treatment of others are not welcome.
B2DON'T YUCK SOMEONE ELSE'S YUM.
You do not have to share somebody's kink, fantasy, attraction, body type, sexual interest or preferences to respect them.
Do not ridicule, shame or demean people for what they enjoy, what they do not enjoy, how they look, their physical characteristics, or what their bodies can or cannot do.
You are not required to be attracted to everyone. You are required to treat people respectfully.
B3TAKE PEOPLE'S NEEDS SERIOUSLY.
Allergies, disabilities, accessibility needs, medical limitations, dietary restrictions and other personal safety concerns are not invitations for jokes or arguments. If someone tells you something affects their safety, respect it.
B4YOUR RELATIONSHIP IS YOUR RESPONSIBILITY.
Couples disagree. Feelings happen. Jealousy happens. Plans change.
FoE Admins will assist when there is a safety or conduct concern, but we are not relationship referees. Do not turn a relationship dispute into a disruptive scene or expect FoE to decide which partner is “right.”
PRIVACY, PHONES & PHOTOGRAPHY
C1PRIVACY DOESN'T END WHEN THE PARTY DOES.
Do not publicly identify, “out,” or expose another person's Lifestyle participation without permission.
Who attended, who played together, what happened privately, and what someone shares with you are not automatically yours to share.
C2NO UNAUTHORIZED PHOTOS OR RECORDINGS.
Follow the phone and photography rules established for the specific event or venue. Never photograph or record another attendee without their permission.
Backgrounds count. Before taking or sharing a photo, look at who else appears in it. Blurring a face, adding a sticker, or covering part of someone does not necessarily make them unidentifiable.
C3PRIVATE MESSAGES ARE PRIVATE TOO.
Do not share identifying screenshots, private sexual conversations, direct messages, or another person's private details without permission merely because the conversation happened online.
C4IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU TO REMOVE IT, REMOVE IT.
If someone tells you they appear in a photo, recording, post or other shared material and asks you to remove it, stop debating whether they should care. Address the concern promptly and respectfully.
C5TALK ABOUT THE WHAT, NOT THE WHO.
You may want to tell friends about an experience you enjoyed. That does not automatically give you permission to identify the people involved. Protect other people's private information when sharing your own stories.
ALCOHOL, DRUGS, IMPAIRMENT & WEAPONS
D1STAY COHERENT.
Alcohol may be part of some FoE events. Overindulgence should not be.
You need to remain capable of communicating clearly, understanding what is happening, making decisions and respecting the decisions of others.
D2ALCOHOL DOES NOT CHANGE BOUNDARIES.
Drinking does not turn a no into a yes, erase a condition discussed earlier, excuse pressure, or make previously established boundaries optional.
If alcohol makes you bolder, it also makes it more important that you remain aware of how you are interacting with other people.
D3TOO IMPAIRED TO CONSENT MEANS TOO IMPAIRED TO PLAY.
Do not initiate or continue sexual or kink activity with someone who is too impaired to clearly participate in decisions and communicate consent, even if they appear willing in the moment.
D4WE MAY CUT THE PARTY SHORT FOR YOU.
Guests who become excessively intoxicated, incoherent, disruptive or unsafe may be denied entry, removed from activity areas, or required to leave the event.
D5ILLEGAL DRUGS ARE NOT WELCOME.
Possession, distribution or use of illegal drugs at FoE events is prohibited. Venue rules and applicable law also apply.
D6LEAVE WEAPONS AT HOME.
Weapons do not belong at Friends of Ellis events. Sex, alcohol, intense emotions and weapons are a combination we do not need. Leave firearms and other weapons at home.
PLAY SPACES & SEXUAL CONDUCT
E1WATCHING IS NOT JOINING.
Some play spaces may allow observation. That does not make an encounter open participation. Do not touch, insert yourself into an encounter, or otherwise become part of someone's play without invitation and consent.
E2GIVE PEOPLE SPACE.
Do not crowd people who are playing or invade their personal space. If you are unsure whether your presence is welcome, ask.
E3RESPECT THE ROOM.
If you enter an active play area and are not participating, keep conversation and noise appropriate for the environment. Follow any additional rules established for that particular play space.
E4CLEAN UP AFTER YOURSELVES.
Follow venue requirements for linens, barriers, cleanup and shared equipment. If you make a mess, clean it up or notify an FoE Admin when assistance is needed. Leave shared spaces ready for the people who come after you.
E5YOUR SEXUAL HEALTH DECISIONS ARE YOUR RESPONSIBILITY.
Adults are responsible for discussing safer-sex practices, protection, relevant sexual-health information and acceptable levels of risk with their potential partners. Friends of Ellis does not certify, verify or guarantee the sexual-health status of attendees.
E6HONESTY MATTERS TO INFORMED CONSENT.
Do not knowingly misrepresent material information another person specifically relies upon when deciding whether or how they consent to sexual activity.
E7NO COMMERCIAL SEXUAL ACTIVITY.
FoE events are not a marketplace for purchasing or selling sexual activity. Soliciting or exchanging sexual activity for money or compensation at FoE events is prohibited.
COMMUNITY & VENUE SAFETY
F1VIOLENCE AND ABUSE HAVE NO PLACE HERE.
Sexual assault, rape, domestic violence, physical violence, threats, stalking, coercion, intimidation and deliberately continuing sexual activity after consent has been withdrawn are serious violations of Friends of Ellis standards.
F2RESPECT THE VENUE.
We are guests in many of the places where FoE events happen. Treat the property accordingly. Clean up after yourself and follow smoking, parking, noise, occupancy and other venue-specific requirements.
F3FOLLOW FOE ADMIN AND VENUE INSTRUCTIONS.
Guests are expected to follow reasonable instructions from FoE Admins and venue personnel. If you are asked to stop an activity, leave an area, lower the volume, address a safety concern, or leave the event, comply at the time. Questions or disagreements can be addressed afterward when appropriate.
F4EVENT-SPECIFIC RULES STILL APPLY.
Hotels, campouts, nightclubs, Meet & Greets, private venues and special events may have additional requirements. Rules listed for a specific event or imposed by the venue are part of the expectations for that event.
F5YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR YOURSELF AND YOUR PROPERTY.
Plan your transportation. Keep track of your belongings. Manage your personal needs. FoE Admins will assist with legitimate safety concerns, but event staff are not responsible for managing your relationship, belongings, transportation or personal decisions.
REPORTING CONCERNS
G1IF SOMETHING CONCERNS YOU, TELL US.
If someone ignores a boundary, makes you feel unsafe, violates event rules, becomes threatening, or creates a situation you believe FoE should know about, tell any FoE Admin.
You do not have to decide whether it is “serious enough” first. You do not have to confront the other person yourself before talking to us.
G2THE SOONER WE KNOW, THE MORE WE CAN DO.
If something is happening during an event, find any FoE Admin as soon as reasonably possible. When we know while something is happening, we may be able to check in, clarify expectations, stop inappropriate behavior, separate people, restrict an activity, or otherwise correct the situation immediately.
We still want to hear from you afterward. Once an event has ended, however, our ability to correct what was happening in the moment is naturally limited. Our response may instead involve documenting the concern, contacting someone afterward, providing education or guidance, issuing a warning, restricting future participation, or taking stronger action when circumstances warrant it.
G3IT IS OKAY IF IT TAKES TIME TO PROCESS.
Sometimes people know immediately that something was wrong. Sometimes it takes hours or days to understand why an interaction bothered them.
You can still tell us. A delayed report is still information we want to hear.
G4YOU CAN REPORT SOMETHING YOU WITNESSED.
You do not have to be the person directly affected. If you witnessed behavior that concerned you, noticed something others may have missed, or received information you reasonably believe FoE should know, contact us.
Tell us which parts you personally experienced or observed and which parts came from someone else.
G5TELL US WHAT YOU KNOW.
Give us the clearest information you can. Details help us understand what happened without requiring anyone to exaggerate, diagnose motives or decide the outcome themselves.
G6A REPORT IS NOT AUTOMATICALLY A FINDING.
A concern deserves attention. It is not automatically proof that every allegation occurred exactly as described.
FoE may gather reasonably available information, speak with people involved, consider the circumstances, and determine what response is appropriate for participation in our private community.
G7WE WILL PROTECT PRIVACY WHERE REASONABLY POSSIBLE.
FoE will attempt to handle concerns discreetly and limit unnecessary disclosure. We cannot promise absolute confidentiality. Some situations may require enough information to understand, address or respond to the concern appropriately.
G8NO RETALIATION.
Do not threaten, harass, intimidate, expose, shame, socially punish or retaliate against someone because they raised a concern, were believed to have raised one, or participated in FoE's review of one.
Retaliation is a separate conduct concern and may result in action regardless of the outcome of the original report.
G9USE THE REPORTING PROCESS IN GOOD FAITH.
Reports should be based on information you experienced, observed or reasonably believe to be relevant. Knowingly providing false information or deliberately weaponizing the reporting process against another member may itself violate community standards.
G10SOME SITUATIONS ARE BIGGER THAN FOE.
FoE will attempt to address concerns within our community when we reasonably can. Depending on the situation, that may include checking in with the people involved, correcting behavior, separating participants, removing someone from an event, documenting a concern, or taking action regarding future participation.
Some situations may involve circumstances outside FoE's authority or ability to handle alone. When reasonably necessary for safety, venue requirements, legal obligations, or the seriousness of the situation, FoE may need to involve or provide information to venue management, property owners, emergency services, law enforcement, or other appropriate authorities.
We will try to respect the privacy of the people involved and avoid unnecessary disclosure, but we cannot promise that every situation will remain solely within FoE.
If there is an immediate threat to someone's safety, protecting people comes first.
ENFORCEMENT, CORRECTION & CONSEQUENCES
H1CONTEXT MATTERS. PATTERNS MATTER. SEVERITY MATTERS.
Human interactions are complicated. An awkward misunderstanding that stops immediately when corrected is not necessarily the same thing as deliberately ignoring someone's boundary.
At the same time, serious behavior does not require repeated warnings before FoE acts.
H2WE DOCUMENT CONCERNS.
FoE may maintain private internal notes about reported conduct, relevant circumstances, conversations and actions taken. This helps us recognize repeated or independent concerns instead of treating every report as if nothing has happened before.
These records are for community administration and are not a public scorecard.
H3EDUCATION AND CORRECTION ARE REAL RESPONSES.
Not every concern requires removal from the community. Sometimes the appropriate response is a direct conversation, guidance, or a private notice identifying the specific FoE standards involved and asking someone to correct their behavior before returning.
Being corrected is an opportunity to do better. Take it seriously.
H4OUR RESPONSE DEPENDS ON THE SITUATION.
Depending on the circumstances, FoE may provide education or guidance, issue a warning, restrict participation in an activity, remove someone from an event, suspend an account or membership, revoke membership, prohibit future attendance, or take another action reasonably appropriate to protect the community.
H5THERE IS NO THREE-STRIKES RULE.
FoE does not use a fixed number of complaints or warnings before acting. Several lower-level independent concerns may establish a meaningful pattern. One sufficiently serious incident may justify immediate action.
H6FOE IS NOT A COURT.
Our responsibility is to make reasonable decisions about participation in Friends of Ellis. We are not determining criminal guilt or attempting to replace law enforcement, medical professionals, courts, or other authorities.
We make community decisions using the information reasonably available to us, the seriousness of the concern, patterns, context, impact, and the need to protect the community.
H7MEMBERSHIP OR A TICKET DOES NOT GUARANTEE ACCESS.
Purchasing a membership, purchasing a ticket, receiving an invitation, previously attending FoE events, or personally knowing FoE Admins does not guarantee admission or continued participation.
H8A CORRECTION IS NOT A CONDEMNATION.
If FoE contacts you about a concern or directs you to specific sections of these standards, it does not automatically mean we believe you are a bad person, that we dislike you, or that we think we are better than you.
It means something was brought to our attention that we believe deserves to be addressed.
Sometimes the appropriate response is simply: read this, think about it, make an adjustment, and do better next time.
We hope you will take the concern seriously without treating the conversation as an attack. If you understand what we are asking, correct the behavior, and there are no continuing concerns, everybody gets to move forward.
Education and correction are not punishment. They are often how we avoid needing punishment.
H9WE CAN GET IT WRONG.
FoE Admins are human. We may misunderstand a situation, receive incomplete information, weigh information differently, or make a decision that later deserves another look.
If you believe we misunderstood something, talk to us. Additional context matters, and respectful dialogue is welcome.
That does not mean every decision will be reversed. When a serious concern has affected our trust or confidence, rebuilding that trust may take time and may require more than simply disagreeing with our original decision.
We are willing to reconsider. We are not required to immediately restore trust.
H10TRUST IS REBUILT THROUGH BEHAVIOR.
When conduct has significantly damaged FoE's confidence in someone's participation, restoring access may require time, conversation, demonstrated understanding, changed behavior, additional conditions, or a period without further concerns.
An apology may be meaningful. It does not automatically restore trust or participation privileges.
FoE will consider whether someone's actions demonstrate that the original concern has actually been understood and addressed.
COMMUNITY SOLICITATION & PROMOTION
I1DON'T USE OUR COMMUNITY AS YOUR MARKETING LIST.
Do not use FoE events, member information, private messages, community spaces or FoE resources to systematically recruit or solicit members for outside businesses, organizations, services or competing events without permission.
I2CROSS-PROMOTION CAN BE GREAT. ASK FIRST.
FoE works with other organizations, venues, educators, businesses and community groups. If you have something you believe would benefit the community, talk with us. We would rather collaborate openly than discover someone has been quietly harvesting our member base.
AN EASY CHECK-IN TOOL: RED. YELLOW. GREEN.
Some people use a stoplight system during kink, intense play, or anytime simple language helps.
|
GREEN
I'M GOOD.Continue. The current activity and intensity are welcome. |
YELLOW
CHECK IN.Slow down, reduce intensity or pause long enough to find out what needs attention. |
RED
STOP.Stop the activity immediately and check in before anything continues. |
Safewords and signals can be useful, but nobody is required to use special vocabulary to withdraw consent. “No,” “stop,” “wait,” “I need a break,” or another clear withdrawal must be respected.
SOME THINGS ARE NOT A GRAY AREA.
Sexual assault. Rape. Domestic violence. Deliberate violence. Credible threats. Coercion. Stalking. Deliberately continuing sexual activity after consent has been withdrawn.
These are not simply “bad Lifestyle etiquette.”
They are serious safety concerns. FoE may take immediate action regarding participation in our community when circumstances warrant it.
After an event, use our Contact Us page or call/text the FoE business line at (509) 903-8522.
You may contact us because something happened to you, because you witnessed something, because you are worried about someone else, or simply because you are unsure and want to talk.
You do not have to confront someone first. You do not have to demand punishment. You do not have to know which rule applies.
Just talk to us.
Stay connected while you play.
Listen when someone speaks.
Notice when something changes.
Accept rejection gracefully.
Respect established boundaries.
Protect people's privacy.
Stay coherent.
Own your choices.
If you make a mistake, stop, listen and correct it.
If something feels wrong, speak up.
If someone else needs help, make it easier for them to speak up too.
Leave people and the community better than you found them.
