SWINGERS 102

BEFORE YOUR FIRST EVENT

You gotta do your homework before you can go play with your friends.

You've talked about swinging. You've probably imagined what might happen. Maybe you've even created a profile and started talking with people.

Now there's an actual event on the calendar.

Before you walk through that door, there are a few conversations worth having.

FIRST: WHAT ARE YOU ACTUALLY TRYING TO DO?

"Go to a swinger party" isn't much of a plan.

Your first goal doesn't need to involve sex.

Maybe your goal is simply walking through the door.

Maybe it's meeting three couples. Maybe it's dancing together. Maybe it's flirting. Maybe you want to see how you feel watching your partner receive attention from somebody else.

Maybe you're ready to play if everything feels right.

Or maybe your entire goal is: "Let's experience this together and talk about it afterward."

That's a perfectly successful first event.

DO BOTH OF YOU ACTUALLY WANT TO GO?

Not "Are you willing to come with me?"
Do you both want to be there?

One partner being excited while the other reluctantly agrees is not a great starting point.

Talk about what each of you is excited about. Talk about what makes each of you nervous. Talk about what you're afraid might happen.

You don't need identical fantasies.

You do need enough trust to say, "I'm uncomfortable," without worrying that you've ruined the night.

MANAGE YOUR EXPECTATIONS.

Fantasy gets to control every character. Real life doesn't.

ATTRACTION IS MESSY

You might like them. They might not like you. Your partner might like one of them while you don't. That's normal.

NOTHING MAY HAPPEN

You can have a fantastic event, meet great people, learn a lot about yourselves and never take your clothes off.

THE PLAN MAY CHANGE

Something you expected to love may feel weird. Something you never considered may suddenly sound exciting. Keep communicating.

RULES AND BOUNDARIES AREN'T THE SAME THING.

This distinction can save you a lot of confusion when something unexpected happens.

RULE

NO FLEXIBILITY TONIGHT

A firm agreement between you. If you decide something is a rule, don't renegotiate it while you're naked, excited and surrounded by people.

BOUNDARY

THIS IS OUR CURRENT COMFORT ZONE

Something you aren't planning to cross, but that you've agreed may be discussed if circumstances change and both partners genuinely want to reconsider.

ALWAYS

BOTH PEOPLE GET A VOTE

If changing course requires agreement, silence isn't agreement. Pressure isn't agreement. "Fine, whatever" isn't enthusiasm.

HAVE THE AWKWARD CONVERSATIONS NOW.

They're much easier on the couch at home than in the middle of an encounter.

WHAT ARE WE COMFORTABLE WATCHING?

How might you feel seeing your partner flirt, kiss, touch or have sex with someone else? What sounds exciting? What currently feels like too much?

WHAT ARE WE COMFORTABLE DOING?

Kissing? Touching? Oral? Intercourse? Same-sex exploration? Watching? Being watched? Talk about activities rather than assuming you both mean the same thing by "playing."

TOGETHER OR SEPARATELY?

Do you want to remain in the same room? Are you comfortable separating? Can either partner leave an interaction without automatically ending the other's?

WHAT ABOUT PEOPLE WE KNOW?

Friends? Coworkers? Exes? Other FoE members you see regularly? Talk about any categories of people either partner considers off-limits.

WHAT HAPPENS IF ONE OF US WANTS TO STOP?

Decide this before you need it. Either partner should be able to slow down, check in or stop without being punished for it afterward.

HAVE A WAY TO CHECK IN.

Sometimes you need to communicate with your partner without holding a committee meeting in front of another couple.

Maybe it's a word. Maybe it's a look. Maybe it's squeezing their hand. Maybe it's simply: "Hey, can I steal you for a minute?"

Whatever you choose, both of you should know what it means.

And don't only create a signal for "Get me out of here."

Having a way to communicate "I'm good. I'm having fun." can be just as useful.

MAKE A PLAN FOR JEALOUSY.

Not because jealousy is guaranteed. Because pretending it can't happen is a lousy plan.

What should your partner do if you suddenly feel uncomfortable?

Reassure you? Check in privately? Slow things down? Stop? Give you a few minutes?

Agree now that unexpected emotion isn't a failure.

You are learning something new about yourselves in a highly stimulating environment. You're allowed to discover feelings you didn't predict.

TALK ABOUT SEXUAL HEALTH BEFORE YOU'RE HORNY.

Future-you will appreciate the preparation.

WHAT PROTECTION WILL YOU USE?

Discuss condoms, barriers, gloves, contraception and whatever safer-sex practices make sense for the activities you're considering.

WHAT INFORMATION DO YOU WANT FROM PARTNERS?

Decide what sexual-health conversations you want before play and what information affects your decisions.

WHAT RISKS ARE YOU COMFORTABLE ACCEPTING?

No sexual activity is completely risk-free. Different couples make different decisions. Make yours intentionally rather than inventing a policy halfway through the night.

KNOW HOW TO INTRODUCE YOURSELVES.

We call it your Elevator Pitch. Don't worry. We're not making you sell timeshares.

Who are you, and what are you looking for?

Think of it as the verbal version of the important parts of your Lifestyle profile.

Your names.
A little about yourselves.
What you enjoy.
What kind of connections you're looking for.
Important limits or preferences.

It doesn't need to sound rehearsed. In fact, please don't make it sound rehearsed.

The point is being able to communicate clearly instead of freezing when somebody asks: "So, what are you two looking for?"

ELEVATOR PITCH / SWINGLIST

YOUR PROFILE DOES SOME OF THE WORK FOR YOU.

People may look you up before the event, during the event, or afterward. Give them something useful to find.

USE CURRENT PHOTOS

Let people recognize you. Your profile shouldn't require detective work to figure out who they're meeting.

ACTUALLY WRITE SOMETHING

Tell people about your personalities, interests, experience and what kind of connections you're hoping to make.

KEEP IT CURRENT

Relationships evolve. Preferences change. Update your profile when the people you're describing are no longer you.

WHAT THE HELL DO WE WEAR?

Possibly the most common question before a first event.

Start with the event description.

Is there a theme? Is it a casual Meet & Greet? Nightclub? Hotel takeover? Campout?

Dress like you're going somewhere you hope to meet attractive new people.

Sexy is welcome. Confidence is better. Comfortable enough to actually enjoy yourself is better still.

Don't spend the whole night adjusting an outfit you hated before you even left home.

CLEAN IS SEXY.

This section really shouldn't need to exist. We're keeping it anyway.

SHOWER

Show up clean. Fresh clothes, basic grooming and normal adult hygiene go a remarkably long way.

BREATH

Brush your teeth. Bring mints or gum. You're attending an event where kissing may become relevant.

GO EASY ON FRAGRANCE

Clean beats drowning yourself in cologne or perfume. Remember that other people may be sensitive to strong scents.

PACK FOR THE NIGHT YOU MIGHT HAVE.

You may use none of this. That's better than needing it and wishing you'd brought it.

□ ID, payment method and anything required by the event

□ Condoms or other barriers you intend to use

□ Personal lubricant

□ Any toys or play supplies you might want

□ Mints / breath freshener

□ Personal hygiene or cleanup supplies

□ Water and anything appropriate for the specific venue

□ Change of clothes if the event warrants it

□ Weather-appropriate clothing

□ Overnight arrangements if needed

□ A safe plan for getting home

WHAT ABOUT ALCOHOL?

Know the venue rules first. Then know yourselves.

Different venues handle alcohol differently. Read the event information before arriving.

More importantly, don't use alcohol as the courage required to cross a boundary you weren't comfortable crossing sober.

If sexual decisions may happen, both you and your potential partners need to be capable of making them.

And before the night starts, know how you're getting home.

Don't plan the entire party in your heads.

New couples sometimes discuss every possible scenario until they've essentially written a screenplay for an event that hasn't happened yet.

Then real people show up.

Someone unexpected is attractive. Someone you expected to like isn't. A conversation goes somewhere different. One of you feels differently than expected.

Prepare your relationship. Prepare your boundaries. Prepare your communication.

Don't try to pre-script the humans.

BEFORE YOU LEAVE THE HOUSE...

Quick relationship check.

□ We both genuinely want to attend.

□ We know what we'd like to get out of tonight.

□ We've discussed our firm rules.

□ We've discussed our current boundaries.

□ We know how we'll privately check in with each other.

□ We've talked about jealousy and unexpected emotions.

□ We've discussed sexual-health expectations.

□ We know what protection or supplies we're bringing.

□ We have realistic expectations.

□ We have a safe plan for getting home.

□ We both know that either person can slow down or stop.

HOMEWORK DONE?

Good. Now go meet some people.

Swingers 103 covers what happens once you're actually there: approaching people, flirting, asking, handling rejection, consent, play spaces, privacy and navigating the night without being weird about it.

CONTINUE TO SWINGERS 103 BACK TO SWINGERS 101