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SWINGERS 101
WHAT IS THE LIFESTYLE?
So you've been thinking about swinging. Let's start there.
Maybe one of you brought it up. Maybe you've both fantasized about it. Maybe you met some swingers and thought, "Wait... these people are surprisingly normal."
Or maybe you're simply curious.
Welcome. You don't need to know the terminology, have your boundaries figured out, or even know whether you actually want to swing.
Curiosity is enough to start learning.
Or maybe you're simply curious.
Welcome. You don't need to know the terminology, have your boundaries figured out, or even know whether you actually want to swing.
Curiosity is enough to start learning.
SO... WHAT EXACTLY IS SWINGING?
At its simplest, swinging is consensual sexual or erotic exploration involving people outside an otherwise established relationship.
The important word is consensual.
Swinging falls under the larger umbrella of consensual or ethical non-monogamy.
The people involved know what's happening. Partners communicate about it. Boundaries are discussed. Everyone gets to choose what they participate in.
That can look dramatically different from one relationship to another.
Some couples only flirt. Some enjoy watching. Some play together. Some play separately. Some explore occasionally. Others make the Lifestyle a significant part of their social lives.
There isn't one correct way to swing.
The people involved know what's happening. Partners communicate about it. Boundaries are discussed. Everyone gets to choose what they participate in.
That can look dramatically different from one relationship to another.
Some couples only flirt. Some enjoy watching. Some play together. Some play separately. Some explore occasionally. Others make the Lifestyle a significant part of their social lives.
There isn't one correct way to swing.
WHY CALL IT "THE LIFESTYLE"?
Because somewhere along the way, a lot of people discover this becomes about more than who they're having sex with.
CONNECTIONCouples meet couples. Friendships form. People date, flirt, travel, party and spend time together. |
EXPLORATIONFantasies, sexuality, attraction and curiosity can be explored without pretending they don't exist. |
COMMUNICATIONYou end up talking about attraction, jealousy, boundaries, desires and feelings that many couples never learn how to discuss. |
COMMUNITYFor many people, the friendships and community eventually become every bit as important as the sexual side. |
ISN'T THAT JUST CHEATING WITH EXTRA STEPS?
No. The difference isn't the number of people involved. It's the agreement between them.
Cheating breaks the relationship's agreement. Swinging operates within one.
If partners have openly discussed what they're doing, agreed to it, and continue respecting the boundaries they've established together, that's fundamentally different from hiding a relationship or sexual encounter.
That doesn't mean swinging is automatically easy.
Jealousy can happen. Feelings can surprise you. Boundaries can change. Something that sounded exciting in fantasy may feel completely different when it becomes real.
That's why communication matters so much.
That doesn't mean swinging is automatically easy.
Jealousy can happen. Feelings can surprise you. Boundaries can change. Something that sounded exciting in fantasy may feel completely different when it becomes real.
That's why communication matters so much.
WHAT DOES SWINGING ACTUALLY LOOK LIKE?
Probably much less like porn than you're imagining.
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01
MEET PEOPLEProfiles, Meet & Greets, parties, clubs, mutual friends, community events or simply talking with people you've met before. |
02
SEE IF YOU CLICKAttraction matters, but so does personality. Sometimes everybody clicks. Sometimes only friendship develops. Sometimes nothing does. |
03
DECIDE WHAT HAPPENSMaybe you flirt. Maybe you kiss. Maybe you play. Maybe you exchange numbers. Maybe you simply say goodnight. |
Showing up does not mean you have to have sex.
This is one of the biggest misconceptions newcomers have.
Attending a Lifestyle event isn't a sexual contract. You don't owe anyone access to your body because you bought a ticket.
You can attend a Meet & Greet and simply talk.
You can attend a Nightclub event and dance.
You can spend an entire hotel takeover socializing with your partner.
You can be interested in someone and still decide not tonight.
Exploration happens at your pace.
Attending a Lifestyle event isn't a sexual contract. You don't owe anyone access to your body because you bought a ticket.
You can attend a Meet & Greet and simply talk.
You can attend a Nightclub event and dance.
You can spend an entire hotel takeover socializing with your partner.
You can be interested in someone and still decide not tonight.
Exploration happens at your pace.
WHAT KIND OF PEOPLE ARE SWINGERS?
This is usually where newcomers expect us to describe some mysterious subculture.
Sorry. It's mostly just people.
Sorry. It's mostly just people.
Different ages. Different bodies. Different careers. Different politics. Different religions. Different sexual orientations. Different relationship styles. Different levels of experience.
Some are outgoing. Some are painfully shy. Some love being naked. Some need six months before they'll take their shirt off.
Some participate frequently. Some show up a few times a year. Some discover that the community interests them more than actually swapping partners.
There isn't a "swinger look."
Some are outgoing. Some are painfully shy. Some love being naked. Some need six months before they'll take their shirt off.
Some participate frequently. Some show up a few times a year. Some discover that the community interests them more than actually swapping partners.
There isn't a "swinger look."
WHAT ABOUT SEXUALITY?
Attraction doesn't suddenly become simpler just because somebody joined the Lifestyle.
Straight, bisexual, bicurious, gay, lesbian and sexually fluid people all exist within the broader Lifestyle community.
Some people are comfortable with same-sex interaction. Others aren't interested. Some are still figuring that out.
None of those preferences give anyone permission to pressure somebody else.
You decide who you're attracted to and what you're comfortable exploring.
Some people are comfortable with same-sex interaction. Others aren't interested. Some are still figuring that out.
None of those preferences give anyone permission to pressure somebody else.
You decide who you're attracted to and what you're comfortable exploring.
SWINGING, OPEN RELATIONSHIPS, POLY... WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE?
These worlds overlap, but the words don't all mean the same thing.
Ethical / Consensual Non-Monogamy
The broad umbrella. Relationships in which everyone involved knowingly agrees that romantic or sexual connections outside one exclusive partnership may occur.
Swinging
Usually emphasizes sexual or erotic experiences outside the primary relationship, often explored socially or together as a couple. Every couple creates its own boundaries.
Open Relationship
A broad term for relationships that permit some form of outside sexual or romantic connection. The exact agreement varies enormously.
Polyamory
Generally includes the possibility of maintaining multiple consensual romantic or emotionally intimate relationships, rather than focusing primarily on sexual experiences.
Kink / BDSM
A separate world centered around particular erotic interests, power dynamics or activities. Kink and swinging frequently overlap, but participating in one doesn't automatically mean somebody participates in the other.
SHOULD YOU SWING?
We can't answer that for you. And anybody who tries probably shouldn't.
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ASK
WHY ARE WE CURIOUS?Fantasy? Exploration? Meeting people? Sexual variety? Watching each other? Trying something new together? Understanding the why helps. |
ASK
DO WE BOTH WANT THIS?Enthusiastic curiosity is very different from one partner agreeing because they're afraid of disappointing the other. |
ASK
CAN WE TALK ABOUT HARD THINGS?Attraction, jealousy, rejection, boundaries and insecurity don't disappear because everybody agreed swinging sounded hot. |
Swinging is a terrible relationship repair kit.
Adding more people doesn't usually simplify problems that already exist between two.
If one partner is trying to save the relationship, regain somebody's attention, prevent cheating, or reluctantly agree to something they don't want, adding sexual partners is unlikely to solve the underlying problem.
On the other hand, couples who already communicate well sometimes discover that exploring together creates entirely new conversations between them.
Swinging can challenge a relationship. It shouldn't be responsible for saving one.
If one partner is trying to save the relationship, regain somebody's attention, prevent cheating, or reluctantly agree to something they don't want, adding sexual partners is unlikely to solve the underlying problem.
On the other hand, couples who already communicate well sometimes discover that exploring together creates entirely new conversations between them.
Swinging can challenge a relationship. It shouldn't be responsible for saving one.
WHAT IF I GET JEALOUS?
Then congratulations. You're a human being.
Being interested in non-monogamy doesn't magically remove jealousy, insecurity or unexpected emotion.
Sometimes jealousy tells you a boundary was crossed. Sometimes it exposes an insecurity. Sometimes you simply need reassurance. Sometimes you discover something doesn't feel nearly as good in reality as it did in fantasy.
The goal isn't necessarily to never feel jealous.
The goal is being able to talk about what you're feeling without turning it into punishment, pressure or blame.
Sometimes jealousy tells you a boundary was crossed. Sometimes it exposes an insecurity. Sometimes you simply need reassurance. Sometimes you discover something doesn't feel nearly as good in reality as it did in fantasy.
The goal isn't necessarily to never feel jealous.
The goal is being able to talk about what you're feeling without turning it into punishment, pressure or blame.
YOU DON'T HAVE TO START WITH SEX.
In fact, you don't have to start with anything.
Make a profile.
Talk together.
Read.
Meet another couple for drinks.
Attend a Meet & Greet.
Go to an event and simply watch the room.
Flirt.
Dance.
Go home together.
Then talk about what you liked, what surprised you, what made you uncomfortable and whether you want another step.
Go as fast as the slowest person in your relationship.
Talk together.
Read.
Meet another couple for drinks.
Attend a Meet & Greet.
Go to an event and simply watch the room.
Flirt.
Dance.
Go home together.
Then talk about what you liked, what surprised you, what made you uncomfortable and whether you want another step.
Go as fast as the slowest person in your relationship.
WHERE DO SWINGERS ACTUALLY MEET?
There isn't one secret swinger clubhouse. Although that would make things easier.
ONLINELifestyle profiles and communities let people introduce themselves, talk and decide whether meeting sounds worthwhile. |
MEET & GREETSSocial-first events where the whole point is meeting people without assuming anything sexual needs to happen. |
PARTIES & CLUBSLifestyle parties and clubs create a more adult atmosphere where flirting, dancing and exploration may all share the same evening. |
WEEKEND EVENTSCampouts and hotel takeovers give people enough time to socialize, build connections and see where the weekend naturally goes. |
A LITTLE LIFESTYLE LANGUAGE
You don't need to memorize this. You'll hear it eventually.
Vanilla — Someone, something or somewhere outside the Lifestyle.
Soft Swap — Sexual interaction with another person or couple while keeping certain activities off-limits. The exact definition varies, so talk about it.
Full Swap — Generally means intercourse with another partner. Again, couples define their own boundaries.
Same Room — Partners prefer sexual activity to happen while everyone remains together.
Separate Room — Partners are comfortable playing separately or moving into different spaces.
Voyeur — Someone who enjoys watching consensual sexual or erotic activity.
Exhibitionist — Someone who enjoys consensually being watched.
Unicorn — Common Lifestyle slang for a single woman, particularly one interested in couples.
On-Premise — A venue or event where sexual activity is permitted in designated areas.
Off-Premise — A social event where sexual activity does not occur at the venue.
FWB / Friends With Benefits — An ongoing friendship that also includes a consensual sexual relationship.
IF YOU REMEMBER NOTHING ELSE...
Remember these.
ASK FIRSTAttraction isn't permission. Flirting isn't permission. Being at a Lifestyle event isn't permission. |
ACCEPT NOA polite decline is enough. Nobody owes an explanation, negotiation or second chance. |
PROTECT PRIVACYTell your own stories. Don't expose somebody else's identity, photos, attendance or private life. |
TALK TO YOUR PARTNERBefore. During. After. Then probably talk some more. |
Communication is lubrication.
It's one of those cheesy Lifestyle sayings that survives because it's true.
Talk about what turns you on. Talk about what scares you. Talk about boundaries. Talk about people you're attracted to. Talk after experiences. Talk when something goes wonderfully. Talk when something feels weird.
You don't need every answer before you begin exploring.
You do need to be willing to keep talking as the answers change.
Talk about what turns you on. Talk about what scares you. Talk about boundaries. Talk about people you're attracted to. Talk after experiences. Talk when something goes wonderfully. Talk when something feels weird.
You don't need every answer before you begin exploring.
You do need to be willing to keep talking as the answers change.
STILL CURIOUS?
Good. Now we can talk about actually doing this.
Swingers 102 walks through talking with your partner, setting expectations, creating boundaries, meeting people and preparing for your first event.
CONTINUE TO SWINGERS 102 READ FoE VALUES 